More thoughts on handling conflicts

Last week we looked at some causes and cures of family conflicts. This is a scattering of further thoughts on the subject.
Conflicts are often intensified when living space is at a minimum. Some years ago I met a family with twelve children. The girls all bedded in the same large room. But each had her own private space that was ‘hands off’ to the others.
Often children tell each other to mind their own business. But this is not always best, or biblical. Philippians 4:4 says, “Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others.” Try having a Phil. 4:4 Sunday. Assign each child a partner. The child is not responsible for bringing their own change of clothes, Bible, etc. but their partner’s. This will encourage them to think of the needs of others. One man said at their dinner table everyone was allowed to share and encouraged to listen to the others. But no one was permitted to ask for food or to get something out of reach. Instead, each was taught to be sensitive to the needs or desires of those round him.
Besides physical and verbal sparing, children will revert to revenge via silence. They are hurt and they want everyone to know it (especially the one who hurt them). Don’t allow it. Force children to verbalize (appropriately) what was wrong so that the problem can be resolved.
One major cause of sibling rivalry is favoritism, even perceived favoritism by one or both parents. Think what this did in Jacob’s family! Parents do not have to treat children the same to be fair. Five of our children are married and I still treat them differently. But parents are human and at times it is a struggle not to favor one child over the others for various reasons. Further, what we view as just treatment toward one, the children may view as favoritism. Encourage children to tell you when they feel your response to problems is not just.
Because each person is unique, we are good at some things and lacking in others. Even our special needs son, Paul, displays certain character qualities I lack. When parents compare the needy child with another, it only encourages rivalry and jealousy. In our homeschool, I told my children often that each was the best student in his/her class. It was not easy for older siblings to notice their younger siblings excel in an area where they struggled. Help your children learn God’s unique design for them. In the strong areas they are to be an example and teacher; in the weak areas they are dependent on others. This is God’s marvelous design, to need and be needed!
When a child acts in an unusually Christ-like way, encourage him with appropriate praise. Praise overdone teaches children to live for the immediate reward. But praise neglected might leave children wondering if their actions really pleased you, and God.